Sunday, June 21, 2009

Before Juno, there was Too Young to Be a Dad


Expressionless young actors take note: Paul Dano was Michael Cera before Michael Cera knocked up that girl in Juno. This is also before Paul Dano was the crazed religious dude in There Will Be Blood.

Let me explain. There's this little movie called Too Young to Be a Dad, and it was on LMN today for Father's Day. Although I haven't seen Juno, I know enough about it to know this:

  • it's about a girl who gets knocked up by her friend
  • they're friends, but she decides hey let's do it
  • they do it once
  • the guy is strangely expressionless
  • she gives the baby up for adoption
  • both of them look like they could actually be teenagers
Guess what, folks -- this plot was stolen directly from Too Young to Be a Dad! I don't have much to say about this movie because otherwise, it was pretty dull. Oh! But before I forget, there was a super sweet Roz/double clutch moment that we forgot to photograph for you. You'll hve to take our word for it -- it was epic.

Anyway, this movie was heavily mediocre. Minor larfs from the Juno connection, the major Roz who engaged in a double-doubleclutch with The Mom, the angry goth sister and seeing the weird dude from There Will Be Blood act like a regular teenager. Clearly there is something very bizarre and angry (possibly a tiny bit sexy?) boiling underneath that kid's skin.

Rating: 5 for being strictly middle of the road.

BONUS: read the comments on the LMN page; they're alternately hilarious and poignant, with girls taking turns OMG LOVING this movie and wishing their boyfriends were as supportive (and expressionless?) as Paul Dano when they got preggers at 14. Mad hugz to those girls.

Monday, June 1, 2009

She's No Angel



Lifetime, how I've missed you! It's time to revive this mutha and tell you about the movie I watched last night.

Ok, so let me make this perfectly clear. This movie gave me a whole new appreciation for Tracey Gold.

Last night, after much discussion of her multiple charms and really unique approach to roles that could have otherwise been crappy/boring/downright idiotic, we decided that TG is a real actress. And underrated gem. A Judith Lightweight, ie a mother effing Lifetime heavyweight. Seriously? She has been in some movies.

This 2001 gem starts out kind of corny, with TG working as a waitress in an overly neoned dive bar. She has a weird little haircut and my companion commented, "Her face looks smashed." In many ways, I expected this movie to be very much like Face of Evil, where TG is a manipulative young woman who winds up trying to seduce Perry King. Maybe this time it would be, I dunno, John Stamos or something. That was the kind of movie where you watch it knowing the whole time what a badass TG is and just hoping she doesn't kill anyone else or get caught.

I am not going to tell you anything else about the plot because I am not a fan of spoilers; I will say, however, that this movie did NOT turn out the way that I thought it would. At all. I will say that there were a few notable cast members, including the guy who was Donna Martin's sick-with-a-disease football playing boyfriend in later years BH90210. Dee Wallace is in there too. She's No Angel is that special kind of Lifetime movie that make you feel ok about spending 2 hours riveted to your television; it's just that good. It kind of makes you wonder, in fact, what would happen if this movie starred, say, Ashley Judd.

As we watched She's No Angel, I wondered aloud to my companion, "Why is TG not in more big budget movies? Why can't she get any respect?" Sadly, I think it's because she's not conventionally pretty enough. Don't get me wrong -- I think she's pretty. In fact, I thought she was extra cute in this movie. But I have a feeling producers think she's not right for the Ashley Judd parts because she's not as conventionally pretty. That's why TG is the executive producer of this movie -- f those d-bags, she's gonna be in charge and make the movies she wants to be in.

And I say good for you TG! I'm gonna say it: you go, girl! Please keep making movies and being awesome and know that you have a fan in Judithlightfan at gmail dot com! You are a real Lifetime Lightweight. Internet searches have shown that you have gone through some hard times, and I'm not going into detail here, but I want you to know that people appreciate you. The Judith Light Conspiracy Theory definitely appreciates the crap out of you.

Rating: 9. This movie was an emotional Matterhorn.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Deadly Relations



Gwyneth Paltrow. Robert Urich. Insurance companies. A mustache.
All of these exciting American touchstones are part of "Deadly Relations", a 1993 family epic that left us feeling like we were sold up the river.

Urich is the dominating patriarch of a proud Southern family with 4 daughters: the older rebellious one, the second oldest favored one (Paltrow), the one no one cares about and the youngest one (the girl with Judy Garland braids.) As a father, Urich is bossy and unpleasant, especially compared to his quiet wife who is pretty much always smoking. Like, always. Basically, the movie is about the decline of this family from a bunch of rich people to a group of swindlers who shoot off their own hands for the insurance money. Quality folks. I think there was some philandering in there, but who can remember. This movie was pretty boring.

This movie had some redeeming qualities. Namely, the character of The Sixties (aka the 1960s) was prominently featured in the first 30-40 minutes. Their house was the perfect modern blend of Chez Brady and The House on the Rock. It was full of magical orange carpet and wall-length scenic vistas. Gwynnie has never looked as adorable as she did in a yellow and white dress with white tights and smart yellow pumps with little bows on them. Her outfits were singularly charming and her hair was the wavy cascade of blonde that all of us want, either secretly or openly, as a young girl. Mom had a smart bouffant and the rebellious sister was totally badass and mod.

The 1970s and beyond were not so kind to the family, unfortunately, and their house stopped being as interesting as it was in the '60s. Gwynnie and her growing family moved to some crap shack in the boonies and the rest of the family started to dress in a startlingly boring way. At this point I will admit that I stopped watching.

Rating: 0 I cannot recommend this movie on any grounds, other than the first 30 minutes or so, for fashion/set design reasons. I will keep the look of this house in the back of my head along with the late '60s/early 70s interior design books I have been hoarding since I was 22. Maybe someday I can sit in a bright yellow recliner on a sea of orange shag carpet in a wood paneled room and remember the beauty of the first 30 minutes of this movie. Maybe not.