Before Juno, there was Too Young to Be a Dad

Expressionless young actors take note: Paul Dano was Michael Cera before Michael Cera knocked up that girl in Juno. This is also before Paul Dano was the crazed religious dude in There Will Be Blood.

Let me explain. There's this little movie called Too Young to Be a Dad, and it was on LMN today for Father's Day. Although I haven't seen Juno, I know enough about it to know this:

• it's about a girl who gets knocked up by her friend
• they're friends, but she decides hey let's do it
• they do it once
  
• the guy is strangely expressionless
• she gives the baby up for adoption
• both of them look like they could actually be teenagers

Guess what, folks -- this plot was stolen directly from Too Young to Be a Dad! I don't have much to say about this movie because otherwise, it was pretty dull. Oh! But before I forget, there was a super sweet Roz/double clutch moment that we forgot to photograph for you. You'll hve to take our word for it -- it was epic.

Anyway, this movie was heavily mediocre. Minor larfs from the Juno connection, the major Roz who engaged in a double-doubleclutch with The Mom, the angry goth sister and seeing the weird dude from There Will Be Blood act like a regular teenager. Clearly there is something very bizarre and angry (possibly a tiny bit sexy?) boiling underneath that kid's skin.

Rating: 5 for being strictly middle of the road.

BONUS: read the comments on the LMN page; they're alternately hilarious and poignant, with girls taking turns OMG LOVING this movie and wishing their boyfriends were as supportive (and expressionless?) as Paul Dano when they got preggers at 14. Mad hugz to those girls.

She's No Angel

Lifetime, how I've missed you! It's time to revive this mutha and tell you about the movie I watched last night.

Ok, so let me make this perfectly clear. This movie gave me a whole new appreciation for Tracey Gold.

Last night, after much discussion of her multiple charms and really unique approach to roles that could have otherwise been crappy/boring/downright idiotic, we decided that TG is a real actress. And underrated gem. A Judith Lightweight, ie a mother effing Lifetime heavyweight. Seriously? She has been in some movies.

This 2001 gem starts out kind of corny, with TG working as a waitress in an overly neoned dive bar. She has a weird little haircut and my companion commented, "Her face looks smashed." In many ways, I expected this movie to be very much like Face of Evil, where TG is a manipulative young woman who winds up trying to seduce Perry King. Maybe this time it would be, I dunno, John Stamos or something. That was the kind of movie where you watch it knowing the whole time what a badass TG is and just hoping she doesn't kill anyone else or get caught.

I am not going to tell you anything else about the plot because I am not a fan of spoilers; I will say, however, that this movie did NOT turn out the way that I thought it would. At all. I will say that there were a few notable cast members, including the guy who was Donna Martin's sick-with-a-disease football playing boyfriend in later years BH90210. Dee Wallace is in there too. She's No Angel is that special kind of Lifetime movie that make you feel ok about spending 2 hours riveted to your television; it's just that good. It kind of makes you wonder, in fact, what would happen if this movie starred, say, Ashley Judd.

As we watched She's No Angel, I wondered aloud to my companion, "Why is TG not in more big budget movies? Why can't she get any respect?" Sadly, I think it's because she's not conventionally pretty enough. Don't get me wrong -- I think she's pretty. In fact, I thought she was extra cute in this movie. But I have a feeling producers think she's not right for the Ashley Judd parts because she's not as conventionally pretty. That's why TG is the executive producer of this movie -- f those d-bags, she's gonna be in charge and make the movies she wants to be in.

And I say good for you TG! I'm gonna say it: you go, girl! Please keep making movies and being awesome and know that you have a fan in Judithlightfan at gmail dot com! You are a real Lifetime Lightweight. Internet searches have shown that you have gone through some hard times, and I'm not going into detail here, but I want you to know that people appreciate you. The Judith Light Conspiracy Theory definitely appreciates the crap out of you.

Rating: 9. This movie was an emotional Matterhorn.

Deadly Relations

Gwyneth Paltrow. Robert Urich. Insurance companies. A mustache.
All of these exciting American touchstones are part of "Deadly Relations", a 1993 family epic that left us feeling like we were sold up the river.

Urich is the dominating patriarch of a proud Southern family with 4 daughters: the older rebellious one, the second oldest favored one (Paltrow), the one no one cares about and the youngest one (the girl with Judy Garland braids.) As a father, Urich is bossy and unpleasant, especially compared to his quiet wife who is pretty much always smoking. Like, always. Basically, the movie is about the decline of this family from a bunch of rich people to a group of swindlers who shoot off their own hands for the insurance money. Quality folks. I think there was some philandering in there, but who can remember. This movie was pretty boring.

This movie had some redeeming qualities. Namely, the character of The Sixties (aka the 1960s) was prominently featured in the first 30-40 minutes. Their house was the perfect modern blend of Chez Brady and The House on the Rock. It was full of magical orange carpet and wall-length scenic vistas. Gwynnie has never looked as adorable as she did in a yellow and white dress with white tights and smart yellow pumps with little bows on them. Her outfits were singularly charming and her hair was the wavy cascade of blonde that all of us want, either secretly or openly, as a young girl. Mom had a smart bouffant and the rebellious sister was totally badass and mod.

The 1970s and beyond were not so kind to the family, unfortunately, and their house stopped being as interesting as it was in the '60s. Gwynnie and her growing family moved to some crap shack in the boonies and the rest of the family started to dress in a startlingly boring way. At this point I will admit that I stopped watching.

Rating: 0 I cannot recommend this movie on any grounds, other than the first 30 minutes or so, for fashion/set design reasons. I will keep the look of this house in the back of my head along with the late '60s/early 70s interior design books I have been hoarding since I was 22. Maybe someday I can sit in a bright yellow recliner on a sea of orange shag carpet in a wood paneled room and remember the beauty of the first 30 minutes of this movie. Maybe not.

Christmas round-up

You - yes, all two of you - might be wondering where the JLCT has been lately. That can be summed up in one word: Christmas. Somewhere around Oct. 22 Lifetime begins running god-awful Christmas dreck and doesn't let up until early February.  It's brutal. These movies aren't fun to watch. They make our heads hurt contemplating the true meaning of Baby Jesus.

To give you a quick run-down of all the movies we didn't blog about recently, see below. Merry Freaking Christmas.

Undercover Christmas

A Christmas Wedding

A Dad for Christmas

A Different Kind of Christmas

A Diva's Christmas Carol

A Town Without Christmas

A Very Cool Christmas

A Very Married Christmas

All She Wants for Christmas

An Accidental Christmas

Christmas Child

Christmas in Paradise

Christmas on Chestnut Street

Crazy for Christmas

Eve's Christmas

Finding John Christmas

His & Her Christmas

Home By Christmas

On the 2nd Day of Christmas

Recipe for a Perfect Christmas

The Christmas Gift

The Christmas Shoes

The Christmas Wish

The Man Who Saved Christmas

The Road to Christmas

Call Me Claus

Holiday Affair

Secret Santa

A Valentine Carol

A Fare to Remember

Deck the Halls

Ebbie

For the Love of Nancy

Holiday Switch

Holiday Wishes

Holiday in Your Heart

Lost Holiday: The Jim And Suzanne Shemwell Story

Noel

Papa's Angels

Secret of Giving

Stolen Miracle

Under the Mistletoe

Her Only Child

Sometimes we watch Lifetime movies because of who's in them (Judith Light, I'm lookin' at you) and sometimes we watch them because their titles are so titillating (Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear, anyone?). This one, well, I can't really tell you why we watched it. We just did.

And, frankly, it was dull. This movie is about a boring young woman who lives with her overbearing mother. Every scene is expanding on this basic premise. She goes out on a date, her mom fakes an injury. She says she's going away for the weekend with her new boyfriend, who is -- in Lifetime fashion -- unnaturally understanding and patient with this dull, neurotic woman who lives with her mother, and her mother attempts to poison her dog...and fails. That's pretty much this movie in a nutshell: mother tries very diligently to be stone cold nuts, daughter continues to put up with it, mother tries something outlandish, mother fails to register fear/concern in daughter.

I realize that in some people's experience, this is what being an only child is like. If you look at this movie as a cautionary tale, its message would be: do not only have one child because it will turn you into an obsessive lunatic, but not a very good one.

Instead of telling you anything more about what this movie had, I will tell you a few things that would have made it better:

• Some parental abuse, Hilary Swank-style
• A less-supportive boyfriend, maybe one who had a cyberporn addiction
• Mom's addicted to prescription pills
• Several hobbits, real or imagined
  
• A sibling, preferably with an eating disorder or anger management problem
  

Rating: 2. This movie is not recommended on account of its unrelenting dullness. Also -1 for canine violence!

Watch the trailer, if you must. Trailer gets +1 for having Dutch (?) subtitles, which makes it marginally more interesting.

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Have you ever caught your child/spouse/friend looking at porn on the internet? Yes? Then we have bad news: according to Lifetime, your loved one will be floating face-down in a pool in no less than three months.

We're used to Lifetime laying the warnings on thick: take one drink and you end up an icky prostitute, take one puff of pot and you find yourself selling your spare organs in a back alley, flirt with your secretary and in two weeks your entire family has been executed gangland-style. But this one takes the cake: look at some naked people on the web and die.

The stupidity of this premise is what makes this movie such a keeper. With voice-cracking authenticity, Jeremy Sumpter plays Justin, a good kid who does a little late-night surfing, likes what he sees, and so starts seeing more... and more... and more... until soon he's shotgunning Red Bull and stealing his mom's credit card to purchase entry into freaky websites. It all comes to a climax (sorry) when, rudely spurned by his Christian girlfriend, Justin retreats to the booby embrace of a webcasting hottie. It's a case of a cheap lay gone horribly wrong: soon Justin is bloody and beaten and floating in a pool.

The real lesson from watching this movie should be don't overdo the Red Bull, kids. I mean, that stuff actually is dangerous.

RATING: 8. Bonus points for somehow faking us into thinking none of these surfings resulted in a single masturbation. If that's the case, Justin's problem is bigger than we thought. And super-bonus points for somehow managing to work in this.

Lock your door, make sure no one's looking, and sneak a peek at LMN's Cyber Seduction website - you filthy pervert. By the way, ancillary evidence leads us to believe that this is one of LMN's most popular movies. They even have resources to help you help the cyber-sex-addict in your life. Fun! This popularity is probably because of its ridiculousness as well as Sumpter's apparent tweenie fan base, the likes of which you can sample right here:



See the trailer. Hell, just watch the whole thing.

Dead Before Dawn

It's possible that Google has sent you here as you searched for information on director Sam Raimi's Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn, the boisterously gory story of a man stuck in an isolated cabin desperately staving off legions of undead attackers. It's a great movie. This is not that movie.

No, this is a lackluster 1993 Cheryl Ladd vehicle that currently stands as one of the most formulaic Lifetime movies we've seen yet, which is saying a lot. Cheryl plays a woman married to a rich dude who owns a bunch of big companies and who, in his spare time, likes to smack around his wife. She wisely opts to divorce him, but then he hires an assassin to kill her. Hey, can you blame the guy? I mean, he tried smacking her around and she had a problem with that, too.

Anyhoo, then she's forced to fake her own death so the cops can catch the husband and the assassin. At this point, we tuned out. Hey, don't get all up in our grill about it. No one's paying us to watch these movies. It's not like we don't have dishes to do and stuff.

RATING: 2. The only thing about this movie that ruled was the hired assassin. He was this Asian guy and I guess in 1993 Asian-Americans were still kind of exotic or something, because when the husband first meets him he says, "I didn't realize you were... uh..." "ASIAN?" the Asian barks, raising his Asian eyebrow and looking all smug, Asian-style. If the movie had pursued this fascinating Asian angle further, who knows how awesome it coulda got.

Fake your own death at LMN's Dead Before Dawn website. They got a trailer on there, too.

Rod Stewart, who would never dream of beating up on Cheryl Ladd, tells her (lately) how much he loves her: