Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Have you ever caught your child/spouse/friend looking at porn on the internet? Yes? Then we have bad news: according to Lifetime, your loved one will be floating face-down in a pool in no less than three months.

We're used to Lifetime laying the warnings on thick: take one drink and you end up an icky prostitute, take one puff of pot and you find yourself selling your spare organs in a back alley, flirt with your secretary and in two weeks your entire family has been executed gangland-style. But this one takes the cake: look at some naked people on the web and die.

The stupidity of this premise is what makes this movie such a keeper. With voice-cracking authenticity, Jeremy Sumpter plays Justin, a good kid who does a little late-night surfing, likes what he sees, and so starts seeing more... and more... and more... until soon he's shotgunning Red Bull and stealing his mom's credit card to purchase entry into freaky websites. It all comes to a climax (sorry) when, rudely spurned by his Christian girlfriend, Justin retreats to the booby embrace of a webcasting hottie. It's a case of a cheap lay gone horribly wrong: soon Justin is bloody and beaten and floating in a pool.

The real lesson from watching this movie should be don't overdo the Red Bull, kids. I mean, that stuff actually is dangerous.

RATING: 8. Bonus points for somehow faking us into thinking none of these surfings resulted in a single masturbation. If that's the case, Justin's problem is bigger than we thought. And super-bonus points for somehow managing to work in this.

Lock your door, make sure no one's looking, and sneak a peek at LMN's Cyber Seduction website - you filthy pervert. By the way, ancillary evidence leads us to believe that this is one of LMN's most popular movies. They even have resources to help you help the cyber-sex-addict in your life. Fun! This popularity is probably because of its ridiculousness as well as Sumpter's apparent tweenie fan base, the likes of which you can sample right here:



See the trailer. Hell, just watch the whole thing.