A Kidnapping in the Family

Sarah Taylor (Tracey Gold) seems to be your regular chain-smoking, beer-swilling trailer trash (in other words, classic Tracey Gold). Her mom (Kate Jackson) disapproves of her party-girl 'tude and has just about had enough, when suddenly Sarah meets a sensitive art student with a flowing brown mane. After one date - one date! - they decided to get married, and before you know it they have themselves a boy-child.

Seems like ol' Sarah's gone done reformed herself! Well, not so fast - mom sets out to prove that Sarah is in fact indoctrinating her boy-child into the satanist church. This leads to one of the best scenes in Lifetime history, wherein the bored boy-child reels off the names of numerous underworld deities. At this point we were practically begging: Oh, please let this all lead to an unholy sacrifice!

Sadly, there's ne'er a pentagram to be seen. Turns out, Mom's just plain insane and wants the boy-child to herself. When the satanist ploy flops, she just nabs the kid and takes off, setting off the most boring manhunt in history. Then again, you can't really go anywhere but downhill after involving Satan.

RATING: 5. Props for the hilariously supportive boyfriend (pictured here, wielding a gun from a different, probably better movie), but shame on you, Lifetime, for suckering us into busting out our Iron Maiden T-shirts for no damn reason at all.

You really owe it to yourself to check out the official Lifetime page for this movie, if for no other reason than the following fan comment:

"Kleep The Son White He's Mouther."

This insightful analysis was added by "Icebabby," whose profile reads: "I Like To Read And Go To Work At Shaws And Hig Out White My FianceeJeff And I Like ToSwim".

Well kleeped, Icebabby. I couldn't have kleeped it mouther myself.

Extra bonus Satan: