No One Would Tell

Breaking News Alert:

FRED SAVAGE KILLS CANDACE CAMERON!!!

It seems like a headline that could only exist in your tawdriest of Tinseltown fantasies, yet here it is staring you right in the face like a freakin' punk. Only the twisted sitcom switcheroos of Lifetime Hell can such depravities be served up between commercials for that thing that sucks all the air out of your clothing bags. This movie is a prime example why we worship and sacrifice our young at the Lifetime altar. Teach us, O Darkthroned Underlord!

Let's see if we can steer this boat back to shore: Fred Savage, formerly seen as that Wonder Years kid, is now a muscle-bound moron who likes to rough up his girlfriend, Candace Cameron of Full House infamy. Plenty of high-school wrestling scenes, bruises, and declarations of "But he really loves me!" ensue. Not one but two Rozes try to stave off the inevitable, but it's, well, inevitable. That's right: Cameron, with her selfish refusal to do everything her abusive boyfriend says, downright forces him to murder her. Women!

It's pretty much big-time fun watching Fred's facial tics, once used to comic effect, be used to communicate murderous rage. We know domestic abuse is no laughing matter, yet each time Fred snarls his cute little lip it's hard not to giggle just a little. We're going to hell for this, it's true, but we're pretty sure a few Lifetime execs will be down there waiting.

RATING: 8. Even if you skip the dreaded Third-Act Coma, this one's a keeper. Just like Crazy Fred Savage.

Conceal your gnarly bruises at Lifetime's official No One Would Tell website. By the way, this apparently is based on a true story.

Watch some of Fred and Candace's, uh, greatest hits: