Terror in the Family (1996)

Fifteen year old Deena Martin (Hilary Swank) is at the middle of a family maelstrom: her father (Dan Lauria) is obsessed with making wooden bowls, her mother (Joanna Kerns) is a whining, hapless drunkard, and her brother is a frustrated pianist plagued with the double whammy of a budding addiction to drink and a prematurely wrinkled forehead.

On top of all of this excitement, she has a new boyfriend who finds himself unable to cope with his own troubles at home. What does he do? He takes it out on the old six string (they're in a band together) and by climbing rollercoasters.

Lest you think that this sounds like a rudderless Lifetime snoozefest, let me add this: she has a rage problem. When Deena is provoked -- and it takes but a question to provoke her -- she flies off the handle like Mike Tyson. The girl beats her parents.

That's right, this is a movie about a girl. A girl who beats her parents.

Imagine if you can that all sitcoms are made in the same place, and during lunch breaks and smoke breaks and whatever other kinds of breaks sitcom actors take, the actors all hang out together in, like, a cafeteria or something. This must be where the idea for Terror in the Family was hatched, because it is clearly the brainchild of a person (or persons) who take no small pride in cramming as many issues and sitcom stars as possible into one 90 minute Lifetime bonanza of feelings.

Rating: 9. Frankly, we're not sure it gets much better than this. Fine, there were no cheerleaders and no one gets killed, but Hilary Swank beats on her parents, who are played by Mr. Arnold and Maggie Seaver. Who hasn't wanted to pop these two at some point? There's also a red herring of "the band", which the parents never even find out about because they're too busy rushing to the ER to take care of their busted hands/lips/etc. If they only knew how their daughter could shake a tambourine with the zeal of a tuneless 3rd grader! If only they knew that their son, a strange shrunken hobbit of a boy, was heading down the same dangerous road to Boozetown that his mother and grandmother took. If only...

Oh! And if all that didn't convince you, please note the similarities:

Donna Martin (Tori Spelling) vs Deena Martin (Hillary Swank)

• both have strangely skinny/noodly bodies
• both are prone to exposure of the midriff
• both have a penchant for troubled, relatively ugly dudes in bands (Ray Pruitt/"Garrett")
• both of these ugly dudes have names that end in double t's
• both actresses were on Beverly Hills 90210
• their names differed by only a single vowel sound
  

...and the differences:

• Donna was a prudy virgin, Deena put out
• Deena was in the band, Donna was not
• Deena had fairly normal makeup and hair, while Donna definitely did NOT
• Deena beat her parents, Donna did not
  

Look, it's Garrett:

"Waaah please don't hit me"