To Have and to Hold

They can't all be winners. Justine Bateman gives the ol' college try to shake off her "Mallory Keaton" label but that label proves far too powerful. She will always be Mallory to us. In fact, as we watched this, we just pretended that this was what happened to Mallory after "Family Ties" ended - you know, after Alex became a jazz drummer, Jennifer opened a meth lab, Stephen became the governor of North Dakota, and Elyse died in a horrible snowboarding accident.

I'm kind of killing space here because I hardly remember anything about this movie. And I just watched it! Here's what I can piece together: Mallory is a real estate agent dating a dude who has an affair with a hottie who convinces her drug-dealing ex-boyfriend to put a hit on Mallory's hubby after he dumps the hottie to go back to Mallory. Only Mallory turns the table on the would-be killer and stabs that sucker with a knife. Oh, snap!

We just spent a few minutes trying to remember the order of stabbings and shootings that follow and we failed. Suffice it to say that there are stabbings and shootings. Oddly, the only thing I really remember from this movie is Mallory's little girl, who goes down in the Lifetime Hall of Fame as the Most Boring Daughter Ever. I know this sounds mean, but geez was that girl dull. I hope she doesn't end up as the night manager at her local Hardee's, but I'm afraid she will.

Hey, did you know that Mallory makes clothes now (like these lovely green undies)?

RATING: 3. Mallory, why hast thou forsaken us?

Fall asleep standing up at Lifetime's official To Have and to Hold website.

Need a palate cleanser after that huge underwear picture? Try some classic-era Mallory shilling for Maxwell House: